THE MUMBLINGS OF ADAM VOITH
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THE WAR IN MY BASEMENT
Wednesday, Nov. 20, 2002 @ 11:49 pm

I swear to God, some evil-doer in Seattle is breeding massive spiders, and if I find this person, there will be words! There will be action!

I saw the new Harry Potter movie last night (review: skip it) and during the "monster sized spiders attack young wizards" scene, I wanted to turn to the 12-year-old giggling happily beside me, shake her at the shoulders and explain in shrill tones (finger pointing right at her little nose): DON'T YOU LAUGH AT THAT, MISSY. WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE OLDER AND YOU'RE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR PULLING THE OLD MICROWAVE OUT OF THE GARAGE SO YOU AND YOUR LOVING MATE CAN HEAT UP SOME APPLE PIE. WHEN THAT FOUR-FOOT SPIDER JUMPS OUT AT YOUR HAND JUST AS YOU'RE GRABBING THAT COOKING MACHINE, WHEN YOU SCREAM AND DROP THE METAL MICROWAVE ON THE CEMENT OF THE GARAGE FLOOR, YOU THINK OF THIS MOVIE AND HOW CUTE YOU THOUGHT IT ALL WAS!

I'm killing too many spiders. Sometimes I go after one sitting on the wall near the ceiling in the basement, next to a hole that leads straight through the foundation and out toward the front yead. "You little bastard," I say to the spider as I close my eyes and squinch up my temples so my hearing goes temporarily mute. With a menacing jab I go after the son of a bitch with the spine of a book, or the rubber sole of a slipper.

What's left is one of two things:

1. A gushy pulp of blackness and curled and/or fractured legs danggling, but held in place with the spider's death juice.

2. Nothing. A spot where a spider used to sit, but empty now as the critter has now moved on, spooked by my attack and sure to make a mental note to retrun into my life through a different hole, from some yet-to-be discovered crevice in the new house here. I'll battle him again, but how long must I wait? How many times will this spider love another spider, and in how many spots throughout my home and backyard will they plant their offspring before I get another shot at that thick punk.

I'll have trouble sleeping tonight!

(NOTE: ERNIE BAXTER IS DEAD BUTTONS, still available for free. Click "previous" below for info.)

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