THE MUMBLINGS OF ADAM VOITH
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GIVE YOUR TV C.P.R.
Wednesday, Nov. 27, 2002 @ 1:13 am

Okay. I just need to explain this one last time. Itís been said, many times I would guess, that I might watch too much television. Fair enough. But, let it be said that for more than a year we went no-cable, saved the 35 bucks, and my wife and I beat a bad habit. Kicked. Cooled down.

Iíve mentioned before the KILL YOUR TELEVISION stickers that clutter up nice bumpers, and to these people I say: LISTEN, I BROKE MY BAD HABIT OF WATCHING GREAT TELEVISION! FOR ONE YEAR THIS TINY FAMILY SKIPPED OUT ON 24 HOUR NEWS HEADS AND TICKERS, HARD ROCK & RAP VIDEOS, SITCOM SYNDICATION, SPORTS, AND COMEDY CENTRAL!

Then I whisper to these KILL YOUR TV folks: The cable internet people found out we were freeloading via splicer from the computer, and the cable guy came over and attached a filter, cock blocking an excited couple still in their newlywed year!

And I kind of stammer out with low volume and garbled vowels to these bumper sticker people: And we watched the channels our television picked up, and we watched all the dating shows on the WBÖ

SO YES, WE KILLED OUR TELEVISION!

But now, itís back. Cable Ė legitimately installed and billed to the credit card. You see, we have a new bumper sticker:

GIVE YOUR TV C.P.R.

Revive those sons of bitches! (and now, suddenly charged up after what just went down on the big screen, Iím yelling to the KILL sticker people at the top of my lungs!) HEY HEY HEY! JOIN US! Put your lips upon that glass screen and blow sweet breath up in it! Listen, while you were out in traffic on the freeway in your car with your sticker you missed this:

A commercial running on Mtv (devil). I canít be certain that Iím remembering this correctly, but I want to tell you, you sticker people you, that this commercial aired just after a Snoop Dogg video.

The commercial shows two high school kids in what appears to be one of the lad's father's study or office of whatever these things are called in the year Ď02. One kid is sitting at dad's desk. The other kid is loafed out on a couch or cushy chair, and the chair-sitter has in his hand a one-foot smoking bong, and both kids seem a bit fazed out when viewed through the giant wafting cloud of smoke hovering in the room.

CHAIR-SITTER: Duuuuude, your sister is like hot...

DADDYíS-DESK-SITTER: Whoa, dude. Out of bounds, duuuude.

CHAIR-SITTER (in Bevis & Butthead voice): huhuh. huhuh.

DADDYíS-DESK-SITTER (also B&B voice): huhuh. huhuh.

At this point, daddy's-desk-sitter picks something up off the desk, looks at it for about half a second before holding it up for Bevis to see. It's a small handgun, maybe something those in the know would call a 9MM.

CHAIR-SITTER (still B&B voice!): Cool. Duuuuude, is it loaded?

DADDYíS-DESK-SITTER (taking aim at Bevis): huhuh. No.

BANG, and directly to a black screen with words in white letters: "MARIJUANA IMPAIRS YOUR JUDGMENT"

End of commercial.

Donít you see? Donít you understand? Youíre missing out, bumper sticker people. You are missing out.

- - - - - - - -

note: The television talk is coming to an end sometime soon. By the summer of next year, maybe even sooner, it will have passed. I wonít kill it, but Iíll stop telling you about it. I promise.

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