THE MUMBLINGS OF ADAM VOITH
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NEW NEIGHBORHOOD
Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2003 @ 10:23 pm

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK... DING! DONG!

Out my front window, I look to see who might be responsible for the rattling and ringing at my front door. With an unannounced visitor, I sometimes wonder if this will be the one that’s come to see the other family, the one that moved out. They’ll be surprised to see me, and wonder why their good friends didn’t inform them of their move. I’ll try to ease their embarrasement and then use their vulnerable state to gather secret information about the previous inhabitants in this house. We’ve concluded that they might have been strange.

I peep out the window to see if my daydream might come true. Leaning on a kickstand in front of my house is a chrome Huffy bicycle with a giant orange bucket hanging from the right handlebar.

I open the door to find a Benicio Del Toro look alike (a bit heavier, a lot dirtier) walking away from the door. Hearing me swing the hinges, he turns around with the butt of a well-sucked cigarette clenched between his smiling lips and teeth. His oversized and mismatched sweatsuit announces a smudged slogan about MONTANA up top, and the shows the soggy life of a window washer’s pants below the waist.

Continuing with the smile, cigarette still jammed in his face, he leans back almost in a funny Bill Cosby-ish type of pose, and delivers his pitch:

"Well, hi there. I'm Lon from 20/20 Window Washing,” he says with a squint in his eyes, “and for 40 bucks I can have them sparkling like di-a-monds." He indicates the windows of my home with an elegant wave of his arm, removes the cigarette, and spits.

"I think we're okay, but thanks and good luck," I say.

He nods in a friendly manner, and moves on. He mounts the Huffy and peddles away. My windows look like shit. In the few months we’ve been here, we’ve never once discussed cleaning them. When Del Toro 2 comes and knocks again, I’ll offer him thirty bucks and see what he can do.





STAND UP, ERNIE BAXTER: YOU'RE DEAD

My new book is at the printer! Should be done soon. Check the "publishing" link above as pre-orders will start there soon!

and please don't forget buttons! to celebrate baxter's death.






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