LETTER TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE NEWSPAPER
Friday, Feb. 14, 2003 @ 6:51 pm
Aren't you tired lately? I often wonder if it's the weather, or the war. Regardless, I can't seem to stay awake. I want to say first and foremost that I've never read your newspaper. I'd also like to point out that this is the first letter I've ever written to a newspaper. And finally, I think it's important to note that I'm writing you from heaven, the afterlife... the great wide open.
I've been here a few years, and after becoming very frustrated with my inability to communicate with the living down below, I have taken to writing letters as though they'll be mailed -- like I'll find some wormhole that'll let me drop paper down through the clouds with precision. It's unfortunate, but you'll probably never even read this.
But still, I write to you because I have this terrible amount of time on my hands. They keep you entertained in heaven for a few years, but after that, the songs get repetitive and the long walks don't seem to take you any further away from them. After a few years, all the things that folks down below are saying about you become far removed from any truths and quite honestly the fun is zapped right out of the spy game. It all plays out like a bad sitcom after a few years.
So letters to newspapers to kill time! Newspapers and magazines and television stations and politicians and professors and yoga instructors. And I have a simple message, really. Very easy. My piece of advice, my words of warning are as follows: THEY'RE NOT LISTENING. YOUR AUDIENCE IS NOT LISTENING!
Thought you should know,
- - - - - - - -
STAND UP, ERNIE BAXTER: YOU'RE DEAD
a new novel by ADAM VOITH with comic illustrations by Mike Lowery
My new book is now available at tnibooks.com.
"My name is Ernie Baxter, and my hands are tied. My history has passed to the memories and stories of my mother and ex-girlfriend. Bosses and co-workers. Bartenders and insurance agents. Friends and gym teachers."
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